Of White Knuckles and Dragon Scales…

At age 4, I was diagnosed with Leg Perthes (a disorder of the hip joint in which the ball of the femur disintegrates). Surgeries, a full leg/hip cast, wheelchair, bedpans, crutches and physical therapy followed….

I became an older sister.

My mother and father were smokers. I was an allergic asthmatic who was sick more often than not.

I entered puberty early, against my will.

My father had a heart attack when I was 11; and then he had a fatal one when I was 23.

I married a man who struggled with alcoholism.

I struggled ( still struggle) with food and weight.

I could not get pregnant the traditional way. (Was I being punished because I was horrified by the changes of womanhood at too young of an age, or, for how I behaved with boys prior to marriage?) However, through the miracles of modern science, we were blessed with our daughter.

We were involved in a pretty major car accident in which a car turned right in front of us and caused us to swerve into oncoming traffic. I was 4 months pregnant at the time. I sustained no injuries (it was truly a miracle) and my husband suffered some brain contusions and back issues.

Our daughter was always a spirited and challenging child (and she still is at age 11).

She was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety at age 6.

She was kicked in the head by a horse and suffered spider-web fractured maxillary bones, a broken nose, two brain contusions, a lip laceration and it worsened her ADHD and anxiety.

She pulls her hair and/or picks her scalp in response to her medications for ADHD.

God has been teaching me about control my whole life; but, I have been fighting it tooth and nail as far back as I can remember. Like a tug-o-war: God says, ‘I got this.”  I reply, ” No, I got this, ” or, “You’re not doing it the way I want you to,” and God says, ‘ No, really, I’ve got this handled,” and  so on…

In hindsight I can see that God has been trying to tell me all along,“Kristin, I have this covered. Trust me. Rely on me. Put your faith in me. You cannot handle this all on your own. I am here.

                                                                                                                   But I just won’t let Him...

dragon scales and aslan

I have been white-knuckling it for so many years, that it’s like picking off a layer of skin.

It brings to mind the scene in Narnia’s Voyage of the Dawn Treader in which the cousin, Eustace Scrubb, turned into a dragon. Aslan came to him and told him that he would need to remove his scales, one by one – it wouldn’t be easy, it would hurt, but it would be of benefit to him. In fact, Aslan helped remove the scales. And afterwords, he was changed.

Can I loosen my grip on my need for control?  I think I can – but I need time and help – God’s help.  I need Him to show me little by little ( scale by scale) that I can let go of my fears, worries resentments and anger.  It’s time.  It is SO time….

I want to be changed from the inside out…how about you?


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Voice – where are you?!

Finding my voice is more challenging than I had anticipated. I set out on this blog writing journey to find it and let it shine. I thought for sure that God had impressed upon my heart to write about the ups and downs of my life so I can let others know they’re not alone in their struggles.

Don't try to figure out what other people want to hear from you; figure out what you have to say. It’s the one and only thing you have to offer.  - Barbara Kingsolver

Don’t try to figure out what other people want to hear from you; figure out what you have to say. It’s the one and only thing you have to offer. – Barbara Kingsolver

I read all these amazing blogs, and these women seem to write with such ease and grace. I feel like a songbird trying to belt out a tune and instead I croak like a frog! It’s somewhere in here – but it’s not coming out how I had planned.

I guess it goes back to letting go and letting God. I keep trying to take too much control of things and force them, when I need to step back, read my Bible, devotionals, and Al-Anon literature, absorb them and then let it flow…like stream of consciousness…like a journal…like now.

I had a conversation with my sponsor last night about control ( see, I am still on Step One – and that’s okay – even though I want to move forward- I am not really ready ); and, I think I can handle it all, like a superhero, and I just keep adding and adding more and more to my plate – lessening a lot of time to focus on self-care. I fill my life with business because, subconsciously, don’t feel like I’m worthy enough to spend my time on. Now, I know that intellectually I can and should spend time to reflect, recharge and regroup- but it’s the execution of it that presents the underlying problem.

My days are full, and for that, I am grateful. Yet, I need to manage my time more effectively and learn to make time every day to, reflect, recharge and regroup.


the 3 Rs

Just 3 Simple Steps , yet we all know that the airplane pilots tell the adults to do if in an emergency situation– put your mask on first so you can help your children ( because without us, they’re left floundering – figuratively and hopefully not literally). Well, every day might not be an emergency – but what do we do when faced with one? We have to lay that foundation so we can get stronger emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. It’s okay to ask for that time, too. We need to reflect, recharge & regroup with God on a daily basis.

Take a walk or run in the beautiful outdoors – maybe spend some time with some 4-legged creatures.

Read your Bible, engage in your bible studies or absorb other spiritually encouraging writings.

Watch a funny TV show (our family favorite is “The Big Bang Theory” – it never fails to get us rolling!!)

Talk with a mentor.

Grab coffee with a friend or go out on a date with your spouse.

I recall my pastor saying that we actually need to focus on our health so we are “prepared to do the work that God has planned for us.”

Wise words…

A house requires a solid foundation on which to sit – before it gets all the beautifiers and windows and in which to let the light shine. Well, we need the same, except we need to allow the light in so we can let it shine out – that’s our role here on earth.

I need to re-set my foundation. It’s not going to be perfect, but it’s going to be what I need to stay sane on a daily basis. And the guilt? I’m not going to let that little gremlin take up lifetime residency – I’m kickin’ him out (even if it‘s piece by piece!) – Ha!

It’s in there, I know it is… ( I just have to know where to look for it)



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