Brokenness | See the Shine * Be the Shine

Sometimes I get tired of having to ask for help.

I mean can’t you just read my mind, or something? My sighs? The slamming of the cabinets?

I grew up in a family in which I had to become adept at reading body language and assessing the emotional temperature of a room – so I learned how to read minds –so why can’t you?!

Short-circuiting, crossed wires and blown fuses happen when a family is affected by alcoholism or any of the other –isms. Those interpersonal relationships are not fueled by love, compassion or respect; instead, they are driven by fear, anger, worry and shame.

When someone’s life is based in fear and a hunger for control, he/she acts from an instinctual place. A place that is primal, reactive, and in the extremes. He/She lives from the gut – not by the heart or intellect. There is no gray area or thinking as to how this behavior affects others. Behaviors are self-centered, narcissistic, passive-aggressive, and abusive (physically, verbally, and emotionally). And it gets handed down to the next generation until someone breaks the cycle.

I didn’t learn tools for living in my home. I learned how to follow directions and stay out of trouble. I l was raised to fear God and pray a bunch of prayers by rote for atonement of my sins. I didn’t learn how to connect with others, or with God, – I learned to live my life for the wants of others. I was taught that drama and extreme emotions were the keys to getting my way, that manipulating others was the only way to get help and to be passive-aggressive when I didn’t get what I wanted. And that someone should be able to see what I am thinking and act accordingly.

Those” tools” landed me in a bunch of unhealthy relationships; including my marriage (in the early stages).

I have long since stopped being passive-aggressive and feeling the need to manipulate others to get my needs met; however, I still have a problem with thinking that other people should be able to read my mind.

I need to break my cycle. I want to break my cycle.

I had a “mommy tantrum yesterday and it scared me.

My daughter turned 11 and she invited several girls to sleepover to celebrate. I had a lot to get accomplished and I didn’t plan on any deviances from my to-do list: Lacrosse game in the morning – check. Dinner set up for tonight – check (thank goodness for my hubby).. Laundry washed and dried-check. Bathrooms cleaned – check. Grocery store for drinks and breakfast – heading there. Leaving her cleats at the lacrosse field – uh, not check – not in the plan!

The cleats set me off.

Why, why, why can’t she keep track of her stuff? (hindsight = hmm, probably because she has ADHD and needs reminders). We were heading to the store to get some missing items ( 20 minutes away from the field) and she tells me, “ Mom, I don’t know where my cleats are!”

What do you mean you don’t know where they are? You had them on!

I can’t find them. Remember we had to switch into our tennis shoes for the turf and I must have forgotten them.

Then the verbal outburst ensues. Defamations of character and chunks taken from her self-esteem. All from me. Her mother – the woman who went through aggressive fertility treatments and two rounds of IVF (in-vitro fertilization) to conceive and carry this precious child who turns 11 today.

I drove her to the field and the cleats were there.

I drove her home in silence, steaming with anger and frustration that my plans were derailed.

Why?

Why am I acting this way towards my daughter?

Because I have not spent enough time with God to break my pattern. I am still trying to handle it on my own – and we can see that is not working for me very well as I was not taught healthy interpersonal skills from my family of origin. I need to turn it over.

It’s okay that she’s not perfect – I’m not, so why do I expect it from her? We all make mistakes – and that’s all that was…a simple mistake. Rather than taking a breath and trusting that it would all work out, I had a mommy tantrum.

I had too much on my list and I didn’t ask for help – from God, my husband or my daughter.

I am not happy for how I behaved toward my daughter, yet I am grateful for the realization that I need to change my interactions with her.

I decided to take a break from the telling of my story to write a little letter to y’all (yes, I love my “y’alls!”). I am technically a Southerner because I live below the Mason-Dixon Line – others will differ, because a Mid-Atlantic Southerner is not the same as a True Southerner (my relatives stem from North Carolina – and I have absorbed some stuff). I’m cool with that – hope you are, too.

Grab a warm cup of something delicious, and sit down in your favorite chair.

Hello friends, I am noticing a theme on these pages, and I am part of it, too. We are all broken people seeking to be made whole again – searching for the perfect healing, the perfect words, the perfect relationship or the perfect answer to prayer. Yet, I don’t think God wants us to be whole again. Yes, you heard me correctly. I think He wants us to stay broken (stay with me on this). I also think our brokenness happened in stages: …full out splashed on the floor in pieces, …still in pieces, but in a safe place to be put back together (waiting, preparation), … beginning stages of repair – we found WHO can best repair us (God), … middle stages of reconstruction – absorbing the good stuff (the WORD)from the WHO, and, …total reconstruction – not back to the way we were – but better – cracks and all – (salt & light). We would not be where we are today, on these pages, forming a community of hope, if we never experienced the death of a loved one, the devastating medical diagnosis, the horrible and unspeakable abuse, our own or a family member’s addiction, heart-breaking loneliness, the more-than-challenging child, the lost job, or the dwindling bank account.

God used these to show us where we need to place our trust – in HIM. And once we placed our trust in Him, we began to see the light (the shine) back in our lives, little by little – but we noticed it. And others started to, as well. It affected us so powerfully, that we had to learn more and delve into His Word. And when we read it, certain passages leapt from the pages as personal letters guiding us as to the next steps in our lives. But wait, “I’m still broken, “you say. You bet you are! How else can God shine His light to the rest of the world?