Of White Knuckles and Dragon Scales…

At age 4, I was diagnosed with Leg Perthes (a disorder of the hip joint in which the ball of the femur disintegrates). Surgeries, a full leg/hip cast, wheelchair, bedpans, crutches and physical therapy followed….

I became an older sister.

My mother and father were smokers. I was an allergic asthmatic who was sick more often than not.

I entered puberty early, against my will.

My father had a heart attack when I was 11; and then he had a fatal one when I was 23.

I married a man who struggled with alcoholism.

I struggled ( still struggle) with food and weight.

I could not get pregnant the traditional way. (Was I being punished because I was horrified by the changes of womanhood at too young of an age, or, for how I behaved with boys prior to marriage?) However, through the miracles of modern science, we were blessed with our daughter.

We were involved in a pretty major car accident in which a car turned right in front of us and caused us to swerve into oncoming traffic. I was 4 months pregnant at the time. I sustained no injuries (it was truly a miracle) and my husband suffered some brain contusions and back issues.

Our daughter was always a spirited and challenging child (and she still is at age 11).

She was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety at age 6.

She was kicked in the head by a horse and suffered spider-web fractured maxillary bones, a broken nose, two brain contusions, a lip laceration and it worsened her ADHD and anxiety.

She pulls her hair and/or picks her scalp in response to her medications for ADHD.

God has been teaching me about control my whole life; but, I have been fighting it tooth and nail as far back as I can remember. Like a tug-o-war: God says, ‘I got this.”  I reply, ” No, I got this, ” or, “You’re not doing it the way I want you to,” and God says, ‘ No, really, I’ve got this handled,” and  so on…

In hindsight I can see that God has been trying to tell me all along,“Kristin, I have this covered. Trust me. Rely on me. Put your faith in me. You cannot handle this all on your own. I am here.

                                                                                                                   But I just won’t let Him...

dragon scales and aslan

I have been white-knuckling it for so many years, that it’s like picking off a layer of skin.

It brings to mind the scene in Narnia’s Voyage of the Dawn Treader in which the cousin, Eustace Scrubb, turned into a dragon. Aslan came to him and told him that he would need to remove his scales, one by one – it wouldn’t be easy, it would hurt, but it would be of benefit to him. In fact, Aslan helped remove the scales. And afterwords, he was changed.

Can I loosen my grip on my need for control?  I think I can – but I need time and help – God’s help.  I need Him to show me little by little ( scale by scale) that I can let go of my fears, worries resentments and anger.  It’s time.  It is SO time….

I want to be changed from the inside out…how about you?


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To My Kindred Spirits…

I decided to take a break from the telling of my story to write a little letter to y’all (yes, I love my “y’alls!”). I am technically a Southerner because I live below the Mason-Dixon Line – others will differ, because a Mid-Atlantic Southerner is not the same as a True Southerner (my relatives stem from North Carolina – and I have absorbed some stuff).  I’m cool with that – hope you are, too.

                 Grab a warm cup of something delicious, and sit down in your favorite chair.

Hello friends, I am noticing a theme on these pages, and I am part of it, too.  We are all broken people seeking to be made whole again – searching for the perfect healing, the perfect words, the perfect relationship or the perfect answer to prayer.  Yet, I don’t think God wants us to be whole again.  Yes, you heard me correctly.  I think He wants us to stay broken (stay with me on this). I also think our brokenness happened in stages: …full out splashed on the floor in pieces, …still in pieces, but in a safe place to be put back together (waiting, preparation), … beginning stages of repair – we found WHO can best repair us  (God), … middle stages of reconstruction – absorbing the good stuff  (the WORD)from the WHO, and, …total reconstruction – not back to the way we were – but better – cracks and all – (salt & light). We would not be where we are today, on these pages, forming a community of hope, if we never experienced the death of a loved one, the devastating medical diagnosis, the horrible and unspeakable abuse, our own or a family member’s addiction, heart-breaking loneliness, the more-than-challenging child, the lost job, or the dwindling bank account.

Shadows of our Hearts - klw-2014

God used these to show us where we need to place our trust – in HIM.  And once we placed our trust in Him, we began to see the light (the shine) back in our lives, little by little – but we noticed it. And others started to, as well.  It affected us so powerfully, that we had to learn more and delve into His Word.  And when we read it, certain passages leapt from the pages as personal letters guiding us as to the next steps in our lives. But wait, “I’m still broken, “you say. You bet you are! How else can God shine His light to the rest of the world?

ONLY through our brokenness

With a grateful heart to my many kindred spirits on these pages, Kristin


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