Grace and Step 1

We must start at the very beginning...it's a very good place to start ( insert Julie Andrews singing voice!)

We must start at the very beginning…it’s a very good place to start ( insert Julie Andrews singing voice!)

I am engaging in a process called, “working the steps.” And, yes, there happen to be twelve of them! { DISCLAIMER: This is my personal journey through the Steps.  It is in no way offering professional opinion or direction.  Please see my post on Addiction for links to help for you or a family member}

Right now I am at Step One, which is probably the most important of all the steps.  I have to admit to myself that I am powerless over the alcoholic in my life. I am actually many, many years away from being knee-deep in the muck of my husband’s disease, but I recently got humble and got myself some much-needed help.

When you are in the trenches of alcoholism/addiction, this is THE hardest thing to admit to yourself because you believe( because you are repeatedly told) that you are a huge cause of the problem – ” I wouldn’t drink if you [ insert any lie here: (1)folded his laundry right, (2)cooked all his meals just right, (3) didn’t have so many opinions, (4) had sex so many times a week, (5)kept the baby from crying, (6) didn’t spend so much money, (7) kept the house cleaner, etc.].”

When you are out of the trenches, it is STILL the HARDEST thing to admit to yourself, especially if you are an anxiety-prone, control-freak, type-A personality, like myself. What do you mean I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it , and I can’t cure it?!  Of course I can, I was the WHY – wasn’t I ?!

NO.

He drank because he chose to.

He drank because he was genetically predisposed to this disease.

He drank because of his own personal demons that had nothing to with me.

Oh, so I was just the scapegoat?

YEP.

So why do I feel so awful inside – like I am going to burst at the seams with anxiety, panic, anger and even overwhelming feelings of sadness?

Because you are still hanging on to all the bitterness and lies, and you haven’t let it go. Your body and mind are still living like it’s the past.  It became such a habit, and now you need to break it.

You need to admit to yourself and to God that you are powerless over the alcoholic in your life.  (You can actually insert any issue that is causing  you pain and confusion for “alcoholic.)

You didn’t cause it.

You can’t control it.

You can’t cure it.

I am not that powerful. But, there is someone who is bigger, stronger and more powerful than any of us.  Someone who can help me lift this burden from my heart and help me live again.  Someone who gave us the very gift of grace and new life.

God.

the amazing gift of grace

the amazing gift of grace

Admitting that I am powerless over the alcoholic/addict in my life brings me a sense of release & hope.  I can control myself, and I need to expect that he will do the same.  I can choose my attitude, I can choose my actions and reactions, I can choose to love with detachment, I can choose to walk away from the situation and not get sucked in to the chaos , and, I can choose to rest in God.

Friends, I am powerless over the alcoholic in my life.  I can’t go on this journey alone. I need God, and  supportive friends and acquaintances who have been where I have, and who are unfortunately going through it now.  I need help, and I am no longer too proud to admit it.

If you are reading this and you are involved with a person who struggles with alcoholism/addiction, take that first step – go to an Al-Anon meeting in your area, seek wise counsel in your pastor or therapist, reach out –  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Keep coming back…

Do you have something that you need to admit that you’re powerless over?  This is a safe place, let’s encourage one another…

My Chat with God ( part 6 in my story)

Alright, God, you want me to do what?

Stay with your husband.

Ok, what am I suppose to do here?

Let. Go.

Huh?

Let ME handle it.

HOW in the world are you going to do that?

In time you will see.

Ugh….really God?  Can’t you just perform a miracle or something and banish the disease?

Have a little faith in ME. {can’t you just see the grin?}

How am I supposed to do that when I feel like the ground has fallen out from beneath me?

beginning

beginning

One day at a time –one hour, one minute or one breath at a time, if you need to.

You do realize you are telling a control-freak worrywart to turn everything over to you, right?

Yes. I do.

Where were you when this was all happening?!

Beside you…

Do you remember the car accident when you were four months pregnant?  The one when Jimmy was driving you to work?  When the little white car turned in front of you making your husband’s red truck spin into oncoming traffic? With the child you had just conceived through your second round of in-vitro fertilization?  She was four months old in your womb.  I was there.  There were angels, including your father, all around protecting you and Lil Miss Abigail.  You didn’t feel the impact – you were not assaulted by the air bags, you were not cut by your seat belt or pelted by any shards of glass.  You were safe in my arms.  That’s where you will always be.  Trust in me. Rest in me.

Deep breath…

Release the shoulder tension with a deep sigh…

I will.

One minute at a time.

One hour at a time.

One day at a time.

I will learn to trust again.

Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. – 1 Peter 5: 7