Of White Knuckles and Dragon Scales…

At age 4, I was diagnosed with Leg Perthes (a disorder of the hip joint in which the ball of the femur disintegrates). Surgeries, a full leg/hip cast, wheelchair, bedpans, crutches and physical therapy followed….

I became an older sister.

My mother and father were smokers. I was an allergic asthmatic who was sick more often than not.

I entered puberty early, against my will.

My father had a heart attack when I was 11; and then he had a fatal one when I was 23.

I married a man who struggled with alcoholism.

I struggled ( still struggle) with food and weight.

I could not get pregnant the traditional way. (Was I being punished because I was horrified by the changes of womanhood at too young of an age, or, for how I behaved with boys prior to marriage?) However, through the miracles of modern science, we were blessed with our daughter.

We were involved in a pretty major car accident in which a car turned right in front of us and caused us to swerve into oncoming traffic. I was 4 months pregnant at the time. I sustained no injuries (it was truly a miracle) and my husband suffered some brain contusions and back issues.

Our daughter was always a spirited and challenging child (and she still is at age 11).

She was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety at age 6.

She was kicked in the head by a horse and suffered spider-web fractured maxillary bones, a broken nose, two brain contusions, a lip laceration and it worsened her ADHD and anxiety.

She pulls her hair and/or picks her scalp in response to her medications for ADHD.

God has been teaching me about control my whole life; but, I have been fighting it tooth and nail as far back as I can remember. Like a tug-o-war: God says, ‘I got this.”  I reply, ” No, I got this, ” or, “You’re not doing it the way I want you to,” and God says, ‘ No, really, I’ve got this handled,” and  so on…

In hindsight I can see that God has been trying to tell me all along,“Kristin, I have this covered. Trust me. Rely on me. Put your faith in me. You cannot handle this all on your own. I am here.

                                                                                                                   But I just won’t let Him...

dragon scales and aslan

I have been white-knuckling it for so many years, that it’s like picking off a layer of skin.

It brings to mind the scene in Narnia’s Voyage of the Dawn Treader in which the cousin, Eustace Scrubb, turned into a dragon. Aslan came to him and told him that he would need to remove his scales, one by one – it wouldn’t be easy, it would hurt, but it would be of benefit to him. In fact, Aslan helped remove the scales. And afterwords, he was changed.

Can I loosen my grip on my need for control?  I think I can – but I need time and help – God’s help.  I need Him to show me little by little ( scale by scale) that I can let go of my fears, worries resentments and anger.  It’s time.  It is SO time….

I want to be changed from the inside out…how about you?


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15 thoughts on “Of White Knuckles and Dragon Scales…

  1. Beautiful post! I really enjoyed reading it. I want to be changed from the inside out too. I think the part of life I struggle with most sometimes is understanding why events happen to us and the full picture of life that God has for us. I know He Knows what He’s doing but sometimes it takes courage to follow that path, even when its the most beneficial for us.

    • Thank you! I struggle with the same…. hindsight is always 20/20 yet I know He is working in my life now. The main difference, I think, is my ability to hear/see what He wants me to do… the more time I spend reading His Word and reflecting on it , the easier it is to discern – didn’t necessarily mean easier to follow 😉

  2. Kristin, I love how you tell of your “tug o’ war” with God. I struggle with that too! I’m learning to drop my end of the rope and let him have it all. It’s certainly not easy! 🙂 Finding I have some control issues myself…
    I have a son with ADHD so I can honestly say I understand what you’re going through with your daughter. I hope she heals quickly from her injuries!
    Blessings to you,

  3. I love the narnia reference. And I’m familiar with white knuckling it alone and not letting even Jesus help! I’ll join. You on the journey of changing from the inside out.

    • I’m sure i would feel so much freer if I could l let those knuckles return to their natural color! It’s a daily process to let go and let God. I’m so glad to have company on my journey ((♡))

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