At age 4, I was diagnosed with Leg Perthes (a disorder of the hip joint in which the ball of the femur disintegrates). Surgeries, a full leg/hip cast, wheelchair, bedpans, crutches and physical therapy followed….
I became an older sister.
My mother and father were smokers. I was an allergic asthmatic who was sick more often than not.
I entered puberty early, against my will.
My father had a heart attack when I was 11; and then he had a fatal one when I was 23.
I married a man who struggled with alcoholism.
I struggled ( still struggle) with food and weight.
I could not get pregnant the traditional way. (Was I being punished because I was horrified by the changes of womanhood at too young of an age, or, for how I behaved with boys prior to marriage?) However, through the miracles of modern science, we were blessed with our daughter.
We were involved in a pretty major car accident in which a car turned right in front of us and caused us to swerve into oncoming traffic. I was 4 months pregnant at the time. I sustained no injuries (it was truly a miracle) and my husband suffered some brain contusions and back issues.
Our daughter was always a spirited and challenging child (and she still is at age 11).
She was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety at age 6.
She was kicked in the head by a horse and suffered spider-web fractured maxillary bones, a broken nose, two brain contusions, a lip laceration and it worsened her ADHD and anxiety.
She pulls her hair and/or picks her scalp in response to her medications for ADHD.
God has been teaching me about control my whole life; but, I have been fighting it tooth and nail as far back as I can remember. Like a tug-o-war: God says, ‘I got this.” I reply, ” No, I got this, ” or, “You’re not doing it the way I want you to,” and God says, ‘ No, really, I’ve got this handled,” and so on…
In hindsight I can see that God has been trying to tell me all along,“Kristin, I have this covered. Trust me. Rely on me. Put your faith in me. You cannot handle this all on your own. I am here.”
But I just won’t let Him...
I have been white-knuckling it for so many years, that it’s like picking off a layer of skin.
It brings to mind the scene in Narnia’s Voyage of the Dawn Treader in which the cousin, Eustace Scrubb, turned into a dragon. Aslan came to him and told him that he would need to remove his scales, one by one – it wouldn’t be easy, it would hurt, but it would be of benefit to him. In fact, Aslan helped remove the scales. And afterwords, he was changed.
Can I loosen my grip on my need for control? I think I can – but I need time and help – God’s help. I need Him to show me little by little ( scale by scale) that I can let go of my fears, worries resentments and anger. It’s time. It is SO time….
I want to be changed from the inside out…how about you?