I was done, I said. I cannot live like this anymore, I wanted out…
Yes, I said those words over, and over, and over again. I was raised to be compassionate and giving to people in need. My husband needed me and I could not leave. I stayed.
…through the self-destruction
…through the piling bills
…through the manipulation
…through the overwhelming sense of disconnection
…through the feelings of being not-more-important –than-the-addiction
…in the hopes I could help him
…in the desire to take care of him
…so that I would not be alone
…because I thought if I did all the “right” things, I could cure him
Mind you, I still did not have a personal relationship with God. I was in control of my life, thank you very much.
My husband sought assistance through personal counseling at that time because he felt his disease (yes, addiction IS a disease – and it IS a family disease) stemmed from some childhood issues. God was probably sitting back and enjoying our show (makes me laugh out loud just recalling it all and imagining God shrugging His shoulders and raising his eyebrows in that “ have it your way” way!).
Each one of us went about our merry ways –in particular, me, thinking I could cure my husband of his addiction through people-pleasing….oh boy, did I have A LOT to learn …
PLEASE NOTE: You are not alone in your struggles. SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP if you or a family member is affected by this disease.
Addiction is nothing to mess around with. I encourage you, dear reader, to seek help if you are in a relationship with someone who suffers with a stronghold to alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, etc. I have listed emails and contact numbers below for your convenience. I am writing by way of my personal experience with addiction.
http://call-alcoholicsanonymous.org (call for help: 855-548-3026)
http://www.celebraterecovery.com/cr-groups/state-reps ( contacts per state)
www.na.org (call for help: 818.773.9999 x771)
http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ (hotlines are listed by state)