I Stayed… (part 4 in my story)

I was done, I said. I cannot live like this anymore, I wanted out…

Yes, I said those words over, and over, and over again.  I was raised to be compassionate and giving to people in need.  My husband needed me and I could not leave.  I stayed.


photo c/o dreamstimefree_ichtor

I stayed

…through the self-destruction

…through the piling bills

…through the manipulation

…through the overwhelming sense of disconnection

…through the feelings of being not-more-important –than-the-addiction

I stayed

…in the hopes I could help him

…in the desire to take care of him

…so that I would not be alone

…because I thought if I did all the “right” things, I could cure him

Mind you, I still did not have a personal relationship with God.  I was in control of my life, thank you very much.

My husband sought assistance through personal counseling at that time because he felt his disease (yes, addiction IS a disease – and it IS a family disease) stemmed from some childhood issues.  God was probably sitting back and enjoying our show (makes me laugh out loud just recalling it all and imagining God shrugging His shoulders and raising his eyebrows in that “ have it your way” way!).

Each one of us went about our merry ways –in particular, me, thinking I could cure my husband of his addiction through people-pleasing….oh boy, did I have A LOT to learn …

PLEASE NOTE:   You are not alone in your struggles.  SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP if you or a family member is affected by this disease.

Addiction is nothing to mess around with. I encourage you, dear reader, to seek help if you are in a relationship with someone who suffers with a stronghold to alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, etc.  I have listed emails and contact numbers below for your convenience. I am writing by way of my personal experience with addiction.

http://call-alcoholicsanonymous.org  (call for help: 855-548-3026)

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org  (888-4AL-ANON)


http://www.celebraterecovery.com/cr-groups/state-reps ( contacts per state)

www.na.org  (call for help: 818.773.9999 x771)

http://www.nar-anon.org/  (800-477-6291)

http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/   (hotlines are listed by state)

http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/  (718-352-1671)

10 thoughts on “I Stayed… (part 4 in my story)

  1. One lesson I have been learning especially as I now ponder Jesus in Gethsemane, is that in whatever circumstances befall, I need to stay with the Father as Jesus did when that horrible dread of what was to come filled Him. My tendency has been the total opposite when things got ‘too much’. I withdrew. I applaud you that like Jesus who needed God and his disciples to ‘stay with’ Him, you also acknowledge your need of support and are encouraging others to do so as well. Blessings to you on your journey of faith.

    • Thank you for your kind and encouraging words ♡ What a difficult lesson to learn, though, to stay and lean, then give it over to Him. God has His ways of nudging us in the right direction – and they usually involve struggle or a way that makes you realize that you cannot get through it alone… Blessings to you, too… let’s keep trying to lean on Him for guidance and listen for His voice above all others

    • Thanks for stopping by, Trudy! And thank you for your kind words. I am FINALLY understanding a struggle that took 13 + years of my life!! It’s never too late to lean on God and release your hurts, worries, hopes and dreams to Him. I read about the caterpillar-to-a-butterfly story on another blog and that imagery really resonated with me. We might be someplace awful right now (not where we planned) , but, God will see us through to the butterfly stage- free and lovely !!

  2. Yes, imagine how God feels when we tell Him, (without speaking to Him at all) “that’s okay, I’ve got this, don’t need You at all). And so He allows us to try to manage our own lives. What fools are we!

  3. Yes, addiction is a disease…and affects the whole family. Isn’t God patient with us as we meander until we come to the end of ourselves and lean on Him! Thank you for sharing. Stopping by from Faith Barista.

    • Thanks for stopping by, Renee! How true- I have meandered for years- never feeling quite “right.” I think it’s in a Matthew West song ( i am not sure) that the lyrics talk about being fascinated by the light ever since he could remember. That line is ME. Except, now I’m not only fascinated, I want to explore it, live it, and share it. ♡

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